He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
