Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
