bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think my moral compass just broke
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
