JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
