I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
