I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
