I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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