I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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