i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize