You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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