i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
