You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
