It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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