No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
