I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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