My sheets look like a crime scene.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
