My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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