she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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