Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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