that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
