I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
