he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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