I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
