the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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