remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
