Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
