there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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