you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
