sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
