I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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