there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
