Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize