I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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