I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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