I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
