Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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