I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize