I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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