He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
