2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
