ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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