i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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