im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
