So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We are two peas in an std pod
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
