at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
