umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
