I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
