I wish I could teleport
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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