She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It was confusing and full of hummus
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
