i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
