i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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