just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
