I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
if only i could text you this smell
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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