she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
pop tarts are not kleenex
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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