At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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