this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
