bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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