i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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