this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
