Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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