Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
