After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My ass is underappreciated
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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